Beginning

A safe place where I can spew all my crappe, let the world hear it, and comment.
Guys, I miss you all. I miss, or maybe fantasize of such a time, when we would spend whole chagim together, not just forty eight hours twice a year.
Tonight Papa is coming with me to my psychologist session. The purpose of this is to tell him how I feel about the years of abandonment and the permanent mark it's left. I'm so afraid. As angry as all of you are at Papa, I have no desire to hurt him as I'm about to do. Papa has supported me in every whim, wish, and dream. He listened to me and my problems and issues and offered as much comfort and support possible from thousands of miles away. He is the only one who I feel supports my dream of going into horses as a career and as a university major. While the rest of the world raises an eyebrow or brainwashes me into doing something "more Jewish" with my life, Papa helps me make it possible. Then why am I going through with this session tonight, knowing what it might do? I can't lie to myself, or rather, to Papa anymore. I can't pretend like my fatherless childhood didn't exist. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes at the drama but I don't give a damn. Some of you may think that being angry at him will solve all the past problems but it won't. And maybe talking it out won't fix the past either, but it can prevent the same or similar in the future. Hate and anger won't fix our family either. Neither will talking it out. I suppose Blog is. This is how we keep in touch. This is how one day, you will all realise that I'm not little anymore. Neither is Aliza. We are still the little ones in the family, but we are growing up. And we have depth to us. One day, maybe even together, you will come home, wherever that may be, and we will have grown up. We will be big girls. It will take a lot of getting used to, but with the Blog, it won't be a blow. Maturity may come a bit later than the rest, but it is still there.
Despite all my criticisms and ravings that I can't seem to get enough of removing, I love you all so much, you have no idea. You are my siblings, my role models. You are part of my life no matter how far away from the family you try to get. I want to be a part of your lives, I want you to proudly tell all your friends about me. But more than that, I want you all to be proud of me for being myself, doing "it" MY way, and not letting anyone push me around or brainwashing. I love you all so much! Looking forward to reading your comments!

Prison - Depression

11/07/03

Trapped, trapped, feeling trapped.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
This feeling of pain, ripping my heart to shreds, so it bleeds inside.
And no one can dab the blood away.

Surrounded, engulfed, encompassed in a feeling of terror.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
No one to turn to, to say it's alright.
No comforting voice or hug to ease away the pain.

Fear of the known, that's what this is.
There is no unknown here.
It's all clear, and familiar to me.
Trapped withing myself because no one else can understand.
Surrounded by this feeling of pain that no one can take down.

Then it gets stronger.
It builds up. I need someone I can talk to...
I can't hold up any longer.
I cry short, hard sobs.
But not for long. Because people are nearby.
People who can't understand.
Then I get up and move on physically, but the emotional cycle begins again.
Trapped, gradually building tears.
Moving on.

Where do I go from here?
What do I do?
To whom do I turn to when there is no one to turn to?
How do I control this nagging feeling?
How do I deal with the pain?

What do you do when your heart is bleeding,
And the people around you can't even hold your hand in comfort,
Because they don't understand and wouldn't if it was explained?
How do you comfort yourself yourself from terrible pain when all your life, there were people there to comfort you?

I tried calling to Hashem and I keep trying.
But the words are so old. I've said them so often.
And what if this is a nisayon for me?
I can't do it alone!

Now the bleeding in my heart stopped, now it's oozing.
But all it will take to start it bleeding again is the sight of a guy I desperately want-a trigger to bleeding.

13/7/03

It feels like I'm in a metal frame.
No way to move or turn, no space.
Is this what Hell feels like?
The burning fire is all in the mind, the trapped feeling?
Was I so bad as a child that I need to go to Hell still in Olam Hazeh?
But we all make mistakes as children and they're never terrible enough for this.

And these feelings are completely normal but I live in a society where I'm not allowed to...act normally to these feelings.
Is that a punishment or a nisayon?
Am I supposed to cause a revolution in Jewish society by awakening it to what's normal in teenagers?
How do I go on with anything when I have this hanging over me?

14/7/03

It's like, without knowing it, "he" has my heart
and the pain is me trying to get it back unsuccessfully.
And "he" can do what he wants with it because he has the whole thing:
"He" can ignore and/or scratch till it bleeds, play with it...
When will my own validation for myself be enough?
How long before my own approval is enough, and I don't need to seek out others'?