UF

For all of you who haven't heard the latest update on your soon-to-be college-girl-sister, I have finally decided on a college. (This time it's definite because Papa starts paying tuition in July) I'm going to Findlay! With a scholarship, not full one, but it takes some load off Papa's shoulders, academics in the morning, horses in the aftn. and the other way around sophomore year. I'm so excited! And since you meet everyone in the Chicago Mikvah, Papa was lucky enough to meet the rabbi of the community closest to Findlay so I'm already secured for shabbos. Kosher food isn't a problem and a certain someone doesn't mind making the 4.5 hr. drive to visit me. I'll probably visiting home once a month or so (Liege!), and I'll be around horses!!!!

Updating the Guy Front

News in our family travels unbelievably fast so it's probably not a surprise that Mr. Perfect Toes and I keep in touch. But I think a certain Mr. Kindness still thinks there may be a chance for chemistry to develop on my part. Which is sad because I don't want to give him false hope. And I don't want him to wait around for me. Especially if, according to ES, I am in fact, far from being ready to get married.
I suppose it's part of life. I can't really prevent him from getting hurt. The message is clear, he just (oops, the J word) thinks things might change in the future. I don't know that they won't but I don't want to give him false hope. Maybe he needs to go through with this kind of process, I don't know. I'm not here to play G-d but rather be an instrument in His orchestra.
So I just (there it is again, that word!) let things run their course, the way they're suppose to, right?
[One time when I was at work with Papa (this is a story Batya), he said Just, and I said "Oh, look who said the J word!" Collette was like, is the J word Jesus? oops!]

Overcoming the Hurdle

Awhile back, I had to stop therapy in the middle, because it was getting too expensive.
So I started writing in my diary almost daily, sometimes a few times a day.
I felt my spiritual strength, and emunah, growing.
I was able to tell myself, "I don't need him" "I don't need this or that to make myself happy" "I'm just fine on my own" and after awhile, really be able to believe it.
I realised one day, pretty recently, that I am now self-sufficient, self-pleasing, and (hopefully) not clingy anymore. I became a self-satisfying person.
This may seem a bit weird, but it was where I was lacking (as all of you well know), and it's a huge achievement for me. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I can do it for myself. Obviously it still needs fine-tuning, and lonely feelings still attack me, but I can handle it now, I know how to deal, emotionally, I am really a big girl now. I will always need people's love, that will never leave, or grow out of me, but if there's a light at the end of the tunnel of loneliness, a time to look forward to when I know I'll receive that love in abundance, I can now hold on until then. I can make myself happy, and then be overjoyed unbelievably happy when I reach the end of my tunnel.

I'm Afraid

I'm scared, I'm afraid.
(Lately though, nothing scares me)
I want to give him a chance but I don't know how.
I don't know how to open myself up to him,
I don't know how to be natural.

And then there's Him.
I know nothing,
(I'm sure you all knew that long before I did)
Nothing about Him,
What He's really like.

Am I being played for?
"And if You're playin' me, keep it on the low,
cause my heart can't take it anymore",
Anyone know that song?
In my "long" and "vast" history with men,
I've fallen for the ones who either don't want me,
Or I don't want them, or it turns out to be a game,
A fake relationship, not real.

What if now, it's Him?
But it seems to good to be true.
And what if it's him?
Whom I can't open to,
And therefore will never get a real chance,
To know who I am,
And to know if I am his One.

It hurts more that I'm afraid I'm being played for.
[if this a sexual term that I am naive about, it's not what I mean]
I don't think He would do that to me.
But then, what girl does, when she realises she's been hurt?
I think I'm just as afraid of it not being meant to be,
Meaning, more looking, new relationships all over again,
Whether or not I'm ready to get married!

he is the fruit of a setup.
Something I never wanted to be a part of.
I want to get to know whomever it will be,
And know them for awhile.
As opposed to being set up, meeting, and deciding.

Why am I even thinking about all this?
Because before I knew it,
I was in the game Tess has been in for awhile.
The game that Batya was in.
I turned around and I was thinking seriously.
I turned around and suddenly, there were options, and choices.
(There was, and still is, time for those options and choices)

I found myself saying, after all my oppositions to it,
'Why not? I have no reason not to," to a setup.
I guess it just hurts to think that someone you care about a lot,
Could be capable of hurting you in the same way,
Or maybe even in a new way,
You are familiar with...

On the Guy Front

Okay, Pessach is over, back to work.
Just to recap (Batya, weren't you supposed to post a protocol of the Elders of Ungar meeting?), it didn't work out with Moshe, who flew in from NJ for the day and rented a car and stayed in a hotel for the night just to date me, and it might, i repeat, might work out with Yuddi, the shidduch/peyos guy. Very sweet.
So, yeah, back to work. An annoying patient was still here, but got discharged today. I was at Doda Rochelle and Dod Chaim for shabbos and it was just the three of us, איזה פדיחות ! For lunch we went to Max and Jenny Weil, and it wasn't too bad. A bit of a walk but the weather was pretty nice. Zehu, basically. Missing "my people", my baby, and someone else... ;) KIT, you guys! I loved spending time just us in "Starbucks" and I'm sure you all enjoyed the powow in Ema and Papa's room more as it was mainly ridiculing me, but I can take it. Whatever makes you guys laugh-wait, no, I don't mean that. Whatever makes you laugh, but not entirely at my expense.