Leave Me Alone! Oh, Wait, You all did.

I am so goddamn sick of hearing, "Colorado? What's in Colorado?"
"Equine Science? What's that?"
"Haha! Horses?"
"What are you going to do with it?"
"Why horses?"
"Why don't you go to Stern?"
"Why don't you go somewhere else?"
"I know the perfect place for you to go!"
Or, along the lines of, "Why are you doing what you want to do?"
"Why don't you do what I want you to do?"
"Why are you doing something so unJewish?"
"Why aren't you a normal bat yisrael?" "Why can't you be?"
Or in general, along the lines of,
"Why aren't you the perfect Bais Yaakov girl?"
"Why don't you go out with some of those close-minded black-hatters we want for you?"

Damn it everyone, let me be! I'm not talking to you guys, sibs, because you give me the impression that you just don't give a damn.
I'm talking to the Jewish world and Ungar relatives at large.
LEAVE THE HELL ALONE! I AM WHO I AM! WHO ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION OF HOW I SHOULD BE???!!! ACCEPT ME, DAMN IT! I DON'T WANT YOUR CIRCLE OR WAY OF LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME BE WHO I AM!
I can't say it enough. You guys, sibs, just don't give any notice at all, let alone negative, pathetic notice and cheap advice. אתם בכלל לא מתייחסים .
I don't know what's worse, being ignored or these comments that make me want to PUKE!
And then some of you wonder why I'm so hungry for male attention. These are a species of human beings that may not be so judgemental. True, they may take on your attitude and not pay any attention at all, but at least there is the smallest of chances I will get a good reaction to who I am.
Tsiona's friend Inbar was the first person who was genuinely happy and excited and interested that I was going to pursue WHAT I WANTED FOR MYSELF! She didn't raise an eyebrow, laugh, or criticise. She was genuinely happy for me. THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON TO DO SO! Sorry, I shouldn't use such language on the only supportive person of my choice. Fine, Papa is supportive too, but he's my father, and he knows it's his job to be supportive and he has come through like none of you have.
Inbar can relate like no one else. I think it was a huge shock for me the way she reacted.

My Biggest Fear - No More!

Hey, Liege, you know the thing I'm most afraid of, that I murder you for mentioning, especially during mealtimes? And how it's the thing I fear above all others in this world?
Well, last night, after feeling nauseous for awhile, it happened. I was in my dorm room, with 2/3 of my roommates who were sleeping, so basically, alone. And when it happened, I wasn't scared. I wasn't even afraid when it was all over. Not during, not after. The only time of fear, which was minimal, was before. I now feel like I've conquered something so big!

Pessach

For all those of you who ever considered me selfish, never does anyone any favours, you now stand corrected: for two and a half weeks (and Sonya bears witness to this) I have been battling with myself and asking many people for advice on whether or not I should come home for Pessach. My reasons for not going were:
1.) It's MY year in Israel. I'm about to spend another four in America, I want to stay here as long as possible.
2.) I don't want to go home. I only have bad memories of Chicago, and I'm not too anxious to dive in head-first into two weeks of painful memories.
3.) Papa will work, the Older Ones will be gone after the first Yom Tov (fine, except Batya), and (I know you all don't want to hear this but do I give a damn?) the attention I crave that I will get from everyone will last maybe the first two days of Yom Tov and then revert to Tsiona or just go back to the usual amount of attention I get from all of you.

My reason for going home were:
1.) Ema and Papa will have to pay a penalty if I don't use my open ticket.
2.) I don't know when I'll see Papa next.
3.) I didn't come home for Sukkot and Ema was mad and Papa was sad. (hey, that rhymes!)
4.) Aliza doesn't deserved to be punished along with the Older Ones.
4.) When will I see everyone else together next?

I consulted a few rabbanim because that's what I thought was best and in the end decided to come home.

Dark, Dark Darkness

It's a dark, dark pit.
The darkness frightens,
but then that slightens,
and lessens.
Being in the dark so long,
the fear ebbs away.
Teasings of light are subliminal.
They remind how painful the dark is.
they bring back the pain itself despite being light.
When it's gone, and the darkness has settled,
it's easy to get used to.
It's hard to stand out and eminate self-light,
self-strength, so things settle into "getting used to" mode.
"Make do" mode.
Unaware of how harmful the darkness and lack of ability to shine through is.
Although, the real challenge would seem shining through in the light,
where everyone else is shining.
It's being able to (first and foremost) shine at all, in darkness.
Where small progress will be seen,
until it gets so strong tha even in light it sines so brightly.
Lost in this darkness,
trying to adjust to it, find a corner to shine in.
Sometimes there's nothing to do but give up.
Sit down right there and sink even futher into darkness,
hoping this sinking will stop,
find the strength to not only get up and move about the darkness,
but to rise above that, and break through to the light.
But the more time in the darkness, the more getting used to it,
the easier it is to sink further into blackness.
And the harder it is to come out of it,
especially independently of another person.
And despite being used to the darkness,
and maybe even the blackness,
it's constant pain.
Burning, hurting, maybe, at times, bearable pain.
But constant.
Constant pain.
Always hurting...

My Titanic Peak

Standing on my Peak in the Emek Liftah Valley, arms flung back, feeling the wind...

Here! Take my heart!
Rip it out my chest! I don't want to feel anymore!
I don't want to feel the pain.
Take my heart out and just let me bleed till there's no more.
There is no love to feel so why leave my heart in its place?
Each beat spreads pain throughout my body and to what end?