Where To Go

Okay, big dilemma here. Where do I go for shabbos? Do I go where there are guys with whom I will be able to carry a conversation, not just small talk, or do I go where I can gawk at hot guys and if I'm lucky, make small talk with them? (i.e. Doda Rochelle's or Ramot)
Btw, I knew there was a reason that of all the wards in the hospital, I chose Plastic Surgery. Well, more than one reason but so far I've discovered one very big reason: One of Loni's very hot friend's mother is a nurse in PS. AHH! Now I have to watch what I say about him!
A friend of mine, who is also hot, that התגייס in November is going on רגילה next week, which means he has 10 days of vacation and he's going to come visit and we all want to go out at night like we used to. ("we" meaning the miyun girls) I still have a crush on him! I'm so sick of being lonely and desperate. ! אוף

Getting back to PS...There are a total of 15 beds plus two in private suite rooms. The morning shift is always busier than the evening shift. My job is to change the linen, give out the meals, open new patient files, and run errands in the hospital. Only in the morning are the sheets changed and there are two meals to give out. There are patients that rarely get out of bed so when they do you need to snatch the moment to put on clean sheets. There's one patient who regularly complains every meal about the same things so I've learned to anticipate them and be one step ahead of him by fixing his tray the way he wants it. But he's actually a very sweet old man. The highlight of the evening shift is giving out dinner. Before and after there is almost nothing to do except answer the patients' calls that come every five minutes (usually from the same patient). So there's lots of reading time, journal writing, or making Purim decorations for the מחלקה. I miss the busy-ness of the miyun and the quiet of PS took getting used to. Although, if the cute TV technician is working, he leaves me and the bat sherut from e.n.t.e (Ear, Nose, Throat, Eyes) a hooked up TV in one of the suite rooms. These TVs have all the cable channels!
Oh, good news. The Powers That Be have decided that since I'm not in the miyun anymore, and I don't have to worry about deserting them in their hour of greatest need, with a very guilty conscience, it looks like I will be coming home for Pessach.

Closure

No meeting with Halevi, you guys. (the man"kal of Shaarei Tsedek) I met with my superior on Thursday and she gave me the best excuse she could offer. Her most honest one, I might add. It turns out that it had nothing to do with my mental health at all. :o Turns out I'm too sensitive for the abuse, the glares, and the rudeness staff members in the miyun give and receive and therefore it was in my best interest to be elsewhere. After that there was no point in meeting with Halevi. I got the honest answer I was looking for, and a bit surprised that I got it to. Although, it did take an overseas call from Papa and midnight but we'll overlook that. The meeting with my superior gave closure to the whole story but did not heal the wounds it caused. I suppose only time will and maybe not even. But they will never admit they did anything wrong. An honest answer was the best I could hope for and that's what I got. Now I just have to let the dust settle.

Then, During, Now? Still During?

When I was little, much younger, I saw no wrong in myself. It was the teacher's fault, or, she should have given in instead of me, or, I didn't say anything wrong.
But one day I woke up, (quite recently, actually) and realised that I was completely different and didn't notice the transition. Every time something goes awry, or I find myself being shouted at, or something big and bad happened, I wonder if the problem is me. I always think, what if they have a point? What if I am the problem? To a point where I now have no self esteem. Until the miyun incident. I know I did nothing wrong. But that now begs the question where do I draw the line? When do I stop to think, maybe I am the problem? And when do I say, no. I did nothing wrong? I suppose this is an improvement from considering myself a saint but again, where does one draw the line?