Beginning

A safe place where I can spew all my crappe, let the world hear it, and comment.
Guys, I miss you all. I miss, or maybe fantasize of such a time, when we would spend whole chagim together, not just forty eight hours twice a year.
Tonight Papa is coming with me to my psychologist session. The purpose of this is to tell him how I feel about the years of abandonment and the permanent mark it's left. I'm so afraid. As angry as all of you are at Papa, I have no desire to hurt him as I'm about to do. Papa has supported me in every whim, wish, and dream. He listened to me and my problems and issues and offered as much comfort and support possible from thousands of miles away. He is the only one who I feel supports my dream of going into horses as a career and as a university major. While the rest of the world raises an eyebrow or brainwashes me into doing something "more Jewish" with my life, Papa helps me make it possible. Then why am I going through with this session tonight, knowing what it might do? I can't lie to myself, or rather, to Papa anymore. I can't pretend like my fatherless childhood didn't exist. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes at the drama but I don't give a damn. Some of you may think that being angry at him will solve all the past problems but it won't. And maybe talking it out won't fix the past either, but it can prevent the same or similar in the future. Hate and anger won't fix our family either. Neither will talking it out. I suppose Blog is. This is how we keep in touch. This is how one day, you will all realise that I'm not little anymore. Neither is Aliza. We are still the little ones in the family, but we are growing up. And we have depth to us. One day, maybe even together, you will come home, wherever that may be, and we will have grown up. We will be big girls. It will take a lot of getting used to, but with the Blog, it won't be a blow. Maturity may come a bit later than the rest, but it is still there.
Despite all my criticisms and ravings that I can't seem to get enough of removing, I love you all so much, you have no idea. You are my siblings, my role models. You are part of my life no matter how far away from the family you try to get. I want to be a part of your lives, I want you to proudly tell all your friends about me. But more than that, I want you all to be proud of me for being myself, doing "it" MY way, and not letting anyone push me around or brainwashing. I love you all so much! Looking forward to reading your comments!