Prison - Depression
11/07/03
Trapped, trapped, feeling trapped.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
This feeling of pain, ripping my heart to shreds, so it bleeds inside.
And no one can dab the blood away.
Surrounded, engulfed, encompassed in a feeling of terror.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
No one to turn to, to say it's alright.
No comforting voice or hug to ease away the pain.
Fear of the known, that's what this is.
There is no unknown here.
It's all clear, and familiar to me.
Trapped withing myself because no one else can understand.
Surrounded by this feeling of pain that no one can take down.
Then it gets stronger.
It builds up. I need someone I can talk to...
I can't hold up any longer.
I cry short, hard sobs.
But not for long. Because people are nearby.
People who can't understand.
Then I get up and move on physically, but the emotional cycle begins again.
Trapped, gradually building tears.
Moving on.
Where do I go from here?
What do I do?
To whom do I turn to when there is no one to turn to?
How do I control this nagging feeling?
How do I deal with the pain?
What do you do when your heart is bleeding,
And the people around you can't even hold your hand in comfort,
Because they don't understand and wouldn't if it was explained?
How do you comfort yourself yourself from terrible pain when all your life, there were people there to comfort you?
I tried calling to Hashem and I keep trying.
But the words are so old. I've said them so often.
And what if this is a nisayon for me?
I can't do it alone!
Now the bleeding in my heart stopped, now it's oozing.
But all it will take to start it bleeding again is the sight of a guy I desperately want-a trigger to bleeding.
13/7/03
It feels like I'm in a metal frame.
No way to move or turn, no space.
Is this what Hell feels like?
The burning fire is all in the mind, the trapped feeling?
Was I so bad as a child that I need to go to Hell still in Olam Hazeh?
But we all make mistakes as children and they're never terrible enough for this.
And these feelings are completely normal but I live in a society where I'm not allowed to...act normally to these feelings.
Is that a punishment or a nisayon?
Am I supposed to cause a revolution in Jewish society by awakening it to what's normal in teenagers?
How do I go on with anything when I have this hanging over me?
14/7/03
It's like, without knowing it, "he" has my heart
and the pain is me trying to get it back unsuccessfully.
And "he" can do what he wants with it because he has the whole thing:
"He" can ignore and/or scratch till it bleeds, play with it...
When will my own validation for myself be enough?
How long before my own approval is enough, and I don't need to seek out others'?
Trapped, trapped, feeling trapped.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
This feeling of pain, ripping my heart to shreds, so it bleeds inside.
And no one can dab the blood away.
Surrounded, engulfed, encompassed in a feeling of terror.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
No one to turn to, to say it's alright.
No comforting voice or hug to ease away the pain.
Fear of the known, that's what this is.
There is no unknown here.
It's all clear, and familiar to me.
Trapped withing myself because no one else can understand.
Surrounded by this feeling of pain that no one can take down.
Then it gets stronger.
It builds up. I need someone I can talk to...
I can't hold up any longer.
I cry short, hard sobs.
But not for long. Because people are nearby.
People who can't understand.
Then I get up and move on physically, but the emotional cycle begins again.
Trapped, gradually building tears.
Moving on.
Where do I go from here?
What do I do?
To whom do I turn to when there is no one to turn to?
How do I control this nagging feeling?
How do I deal with the pain?
What do you do when your heart is bleeding,
And the people around you can't even hold your hand in comfort,
Because they don't understand and wouldn't if it was explained?
How do you comfort yourself yourself from terrible pain when all your life, there were people there to comfort you?
I tried calling to Hashem and I keep trying.
But the words are so old. I've said them so often.
And what if this is a nisayon for me?
I can't do it alone!
Now the bleeding in my heart stopped, now it's oozing.
But all it will take to start it bleeding again is the sight of a guy I desperately want-a trigger to bleeding.
13/7/03
It feels like I'm in a metal frame.
No way to move or turn, no space.
Is this what Hell feels like?
The burning fire is all in the mind, the trapped feeling?
Was I so bad as a child that I need to go to Hell still in Olam Hazeh?
But we all make mistakes as children and they're never terrible enough for this.
And these feelings are completely normal but I live in a society where I'm not allowed to...act normally to these feelings.
Is that a punishment or a nisayon?
Am I supposed to cause a revolution in Jewish society by awakening it to what's normal in teenagers?
How do I go on with anything when I have this hanging over me?
14/7/03
It's like, without knowing it, "he" has my heart
and the pain is me trying to get it back unsuccessfully.
And "he" can do what he wants with it because he has the whole thing:
"He" can ignore and/or scratch till it bleeds, play with it...
When will my own validation for myself be enough?
How long before my own approval is enough, and I don't need to seek out others'?
posted by AMUS1 | 1:35 PM
1 Comments:
wow! is this your writing? It's amazing! A really great voice. I'm in shock. it has such experiential immediacy. Keep writing, even if it's crap or just on paper, keep writing, exhaust this pain from the inside, it's really beautiful.
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