"Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely"

Being Alone.
In a sense it's like being in a room, with no one else. Almost like an isolation/punishment cell in a prison. You only have yourself and your thoughts for company. It's not necessarily a bad thing, like it is in prison. Reflecting and thinking over your words and actions is good, healthy, necessary. But what happens when you do that too often or too much? It's like a cat that constantly licks the same spot until all the hairs are gone and all that's left is raw skin. When there should be hair. What if, by spending too much time alone, you reflect too much and the result is self doubt? I don't think that's my problem at all. But still, what if that is a result for others? I think for me, it's like how I feel after having been with Ema and Papa during a chag. a hole, a pit, in my chest. As time passes that hole heals like a scab. But when I'm alone, I suddenly feel it again. My eyes are suddenly forced down to my chest to look at this healing wound, the dry scab that used to be a painful pit in my chest that followed me everywhere, and let infection and dust get in, making my insides dirty, giving me thoughts about leaving the one place I want to live in.
What if, by constantly 'licking my fur' I peel away that scab (like I have with so many real ones) and reopen that wound? Self mutilation, masochism.
I am so plagued by so many 'what if's. But they're not like 'what if the sky should fall?', they're more what ifs that I know could happen, or that I have the power to cause. Maybe that's what scares me. The ability to make my own fears come true, myself.
With another person in the room, I'm distracted from this power that I have. I can focus on them instead of me, because the reality is, I think I have a thin layer of fur left before the raw skin is exposed...

Addendum (is that the word?) to the last post

A male friend of mine once asked me if I was in it for the chase alone, like most men.
For some strange reason, I sometimes take pride in how screwed up I am/can be, so I answered that once I had 'caught my prey', I was curious to see if it would stick around, knowing who had just caught it. Meaning, after getting to know me and my hang-ups and what makes me the crazy (for better or for worse) person that I am, I would be interested to know if the person would stick around, despite what they had learned.
I guess my self esteem has gone up a bit in the last couple of months...

I'm reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and have discovered that I possess more Martian qualities than Venusian. Lo said the same thing about herself. 'I want a guy until he wants me, and then he loses his appeal.' I feel claustrophoebic when they get too close. After becoming aware of this pattern I decided trying to stick it out with the next guy I felt this with, and try and verbalise my feelings, something I've always been good at and that's helped me usually.
Because of my chronic fear of abandonment I have a strong desire for others to need me, to depend on me. I hate to play into Lo's theory, but maybe that's my attraction to animals. (I'M STILL NOT GOING TO GROW OUT OF IT!) While I want someone a bit older than me, so I can lean on him when I need to, I also want someone who needs my affection, or some part of me (other than my body), someone who wants to lean on me even if he doesn't need to.
I don't want to get married because I'm lacking in life. I want to get married because I want someone to share my successes with. Someone who wants to know. Someone who asks me about them. Not someone to complete me but someone to compliment me, who I am, and someone I can compliment. Together. I know marriage is not [supposed to be] the answer problems, something to fill the void with. I'm not looking for that.

Last year when I was debating what to do the coming year, and I made my decision, I called Lo and told her. She said something along the lines of, "Good, that was a good choice". Then she made an expensive overseas call to tell me, "No, I don't mean good. I mean, it's your choice, and I support the choice you made, I'm not going to judge it."
Then why, Lo, why, can't you accept that I love animals and want to work with them? Why does my passion have to be something you think I need to outgrow? Who gives a crap if it's not practical, which isn't so true? So what? It's a dream. I want it, and I can make it work, financially, no matter how long it takes. I'm in Israel? So what? It's what I want and I can find a way to make it work and make a profit. It's a question of how badly do I want it, not when will I outgrow it. Please accept that, and remember what you said to me a few months ago, and don't judge my decision. Just support it.

A Poem for Me

you make me warm,
You make me sigh,
When I see you,
In my mind,
Your beautiful hair,Your Beautiful Eyes,
Make me feel,Like ill never Die,
When I am sad,and can't make it through,
I just close my eyes,and dream of you,
For at that time,While your on my mind,
all my problems,Are left behind.
If I had a choose,I wouldn’t change a thing,
Because your perfect,
Just like a dream,
I'd kill for you,
And even die,
To make your life,Last a longtime,
You were sent from heaven,
I know its true,
Because no one else,Is as perfect as you.
G.B.

An addiction to knowledge...
An as-need-to-know-basis, constantly...
How strange, to be addicted to something so abstract...
That as soon as you're deprived of it, it takes up all the space in your head...
Not like caffeine, that you can't function without, it occupies your every thought...
Can lead to something similar to a nervous break-down...
And where do you go from there? How do you wean yourself off the addiction so suddenly?
This addiction, that until it was grabbed from under your feet, served you so well? Helped you foresee and prevent mishaps from happening in the future?
It's hard to think of this weaning process as something necessary to learn about life since the addiction helped me get through life. It helped me manoeuver through the labyrinth of life, and now, as if to see how well I'd manage without it, that tool was taken away. I'm helpless in the middle of labyrinth, with no technology to navigate my way, just basic human instincts, raw materials....

Next Year

Ok, law school, at least at Bar Ilan, is out. Didn't get in. Don't anyone waste emotions on thoughts like "oy! i'm so sorry!", it was pretty much expected, I thought I'd give it a shot anyway.
My options now are veterinary assistant school, therapeutic riding course at wingate, both at the same time, look into a college and see if i have the grades to get into law school there. I'm just happy i have an answer, these past few months have been agonising not knowing. Even though i knew the odds were clearly and heavily not in my favour.

Findlay No More

For those of you uninformed, the Findlay plan is not, I repeat, NOT happening in any shape, way, or form. The reason for this is purely financial.
I don't know why but I'm still in deep shock, I haven't acted as any of you, or myself for that matter, would expect.
The master plan for now is to finish in bar ilan, possibly in conjunction with a one-year course on therapeutic riding and possibly a masters in criminology. in any case, i am indefinitely staying in Israel. It's what I want, it was MY decision, NO ONE swayed me to do it.
I'm considering making aliyah in the coming month, and it's something i've given a great deal of thought, it's not a sudden, rash decision. again, MY decision, NO ONE'S influence.
That's it, I guess.
When exactly is everyone coming to Israel for the wedding?