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Last night there was a dormitory party but really it was for anyone who wanted to come. This group of hippy darbuka players came, gave darbukot out and played with us, showed us how, it was so much fun! I sat with my friends and him. He didn't want to play one, so I sat there (all this is going on in the main building for the Agudat Studentim) and banged away. Finally at the end he took one and played a bit. I don't remember how, but little signs told us they weren't used to playing for a 99% religious crowd, it was really funny.
Then there was a religious stand-up comedian. He made jokes about the davening, and how when guys go to the bathroom their tzitzit feel the same need...(he couldn't understand why the girls were all laughing so hard) In the middle of that, I found Nehorai and he joined my "group". At the end of the routine, the guy asked for three guys to come up on stage and dance in a circle so he could demonstrate different types of people that try to join in the circle. Me and another guy convinced Nehorai to be one of the three. It was so funny!
After that, there was karaoki dancing. I was very naughty, I hip-hop danced (kind of sexily, I'd like to think) with my friends, and he watched for a bit. ;) Another friend also watched. Very naughty...!
All in all, I had an amazing time. But....
Before I went to this thing, I was really wanting to be with him. Thank g-d it wasn't as bad as other nights, when it hurt so much to be in that wanting, desiring position again.
Once I got to the shindig, I found myself looking, hoping he would come. Finally he did. And joined the group I was sitting with. I also found myself memorising his features, just looking at him, whenever I could.
After the whole thing was over, I was pumped with adrenaline, but then I plummeted. The desire washed over me all over again. A desire I knew would not be met. For good and various reasons. The feeling was all too familiar. I hate it.
It kind of made me wish I could just keep on dancing the whole night till the morning when the feeling would be all gone...just keep dancing...tsiona left a book in my room, "How to Dance Forever"...