Confused

Pulled in five directions at once.
Where do I go first?
What takes precedence?

I can't harness my temper.
I try to please all of the people all of the time.
But I just end up hurting myself.

I know I want him.
I know he's too young, he needs to mature a lot.
I know I need to back off, wait.
I also know I want him.
I think I need him.
I need him to tell me I'm a good person.

Notice how it went from knowing, to thinking, to depending.
The insecurity.
I thought I had strong self esteem.
I have none.
I have self confidence. There is a difference.
If someone threatens my personality or my creativity,
If someone threatens ME, who I am,
I can stand up for myself, I can be strong in who I am.
I throw it all back in their faces by telling them,
I don't give a damn what you think about me.
I am going to be who I am whether you like it or not.

But underneath that strong self confidence,
is someone lost, feeling empty, helpless.
Were I to call out in the right way,
I have no doubt people would come help me.
But that right there is the problem:
I need to help me. I need to find the solution.
I want help but from the wrong places.

I want him to make me feel good.
The last time I succeeded in that, it lasted three months.
Then we broke up.
And while my mind is telling me to learn from that mistake,
the mistake of using someone to fill the hole inside of me,
My heart wants to taste the eye candy that surrounds me almost daily.